Finding myself

If that isn’t the most cliche title in the world!

But it’s apt.

The more (select) music I listen to,
the more live performances I experience,
the more books I read,
the more conversations I hold,
the more thoughts I have,
the more articles I pore through,
the more words I write,
the more I feelings I articulate,
the more I discover the layers that there are to me.
I’m a nerd,
a lover,
a feeler,
a doer,
a lazer,
an artist,
a thinker
a woman,
a daughter,
an African,
a sister,
a friend,
a human.
I’ve had several people in the past few weeks say that I am the “quintessential black woman“. Maybe because I ask too many questions when people subscribe to problematic rhetoric, hold toxic ideas. Maybe because I wear headwraps, have dreadlocs, and wear a ring of Africa on my left index finger that I never take off. Maybe because I am “Afropolitan but also pessimist” (thank you Teju Cole for expressing what I’ve felt my entire adult life).
Maybe because more and more I have no effs to give. Maybe because I am mostly easy-going but I will cancel you in a heartbeat if I smell an ounce of racism or misogyny on you, especially when you are my coworker. Maybe because despite the opportunities I have had, I have zero desire to live and/ or work in the Western world, after all the fuckery they have caused (ever noticed that the “West” refers to North America but not South America even though they are both on the same side of Greenwich? Or that Australia is considered West but Papua New Guinea isn’t?)
I’ve never been the activist, I probably never will be. But what I am, and will probably never cease to be, is a skeptic, and an interrogator of everything. Of my biases, of people’s thoughtless statements, of what I’ve been taught, of…
I call people out- fellow Christians included. My poor mother has been on the receiving end of some of my skeptism as it pertains to faith; she was after all, and continues to be, my leader in faith. I almost always play devil’s advocate, I question everything. Yes, even my faith. But you can’t come for that because I have a strong inexplainable conviction. And Jesus is Lord, God.
I have strong views on personal ethics. I would only ever adopt animals, and never buy from breeders. I have got into heated arguments with friends about poverty tourism (I’m an ISTP, but there’s no two ways about it. Slum tourism is wrong. You can gain perspective about your privilege by reading a book, thanks). A meat diet is unsustainable, and the cashiers at Shoprite Nigeria do not understand why I do not want their plastic bags even though they are free. Having biological children is… *bites tongue*
I’m finding myself with each new day in this wretched earth (Thank you Bowen for lending me the Wretched of the Earth; Rest in Power Frantz Fanon), asking more questions, and I guess I’m more woke than I thought, or like to admit.
“I’m weary of the ways of the world
Be weary of the ways of the world
I’m weary of the ways of the world
I’m going look for my body yeah
I’ll be back real soon
You going look for my body yeah
I’ll be back real soon
I’m going look for my body yeah
I’ll be back real soon
But you know that a king is only a man
With flesh and bones he bleeds just like you do
He said “where does that leave you”
And do you belong? I do I do
Be leery bout your place in the world
You’re feeling like you’re chasing the world
You’re leaving not a trace in the world
But you’re facing the world”
– Solange Knowles
PS: I had every intention to blog and vlog this week. It was going to be Jozi. But I discovered that I deleted my draft vlog and I need to recreate it. Please be patient with me. I’ll have it up in a week.
Love and light.

3 thoughts on “Finding myself

  1. Shi says:

    Wamuyu Thoithi! I love this post. And I love you. Even this state of flux.

    Also, Could part of this be your Introverted Intuition growing more dominant?

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